My heart has been a little broken lately. Husband and I are on the precipice of major change. As I have talked about, he just graduated from college and is looking for work all over the place. Looking for work at this point in time is frustrating to say the least. Remember when you wanted a job and the way you’d get it is by stalking the management, and explaining how wonderful you were. Now it’s a numbers game. You have to put all the buzz words in your resume so the computer will pick you and then your one piece of paper full of skills has to impress a human before you even get an interview. It isn’t personable anymore and even more so, no one seems to want someone right out of college.
I mean I know my husband is the smartest person I have ever met, but these people don’t. So much rejection can get to you. Yes, you can put it in perspective by saying they don’t know you, but feelings don’t have perspective.
Husband doesn’t deal with complex feelings very well anyways.
While our relationship is amazing we’ve been feeling the strain of it all. So much focus on his career makes me think about mine and not just because when he has his new job, I get to quit mine. I have dreams that I feel like I am failing.
Being the daughter of a 70’s teen, I was excitedly told from the beginning I could do anything I wanted. Finally for women the possibilities were endless. This is true, but then there are issues like what do you do when you can do anything? Then there is the pressure – if you don’t do something spectacular you’ve let your momma and all of female kind down. Now, admittedly, most only expect you to do better than the generation before. I my case, I have a college degree and a good union job so I’ve made momma happy, contributing to the feminist agenda, not so much.
This argument doesn’t even speak to my dreams. I want to publish my writing, become healthy, be a psychologist, study sociology, on any given day get a degree in one of ten subjects, learn Italian and Spanish, and read every book in the entire world. I am a thirty-seven year old woman that still has so many dreams.
All the wasted evenings spent watching TV bring to mind many regrets. I should have been reading or learning in some way, or doing jumping jacks. These thoughts are so unproductive and stupid, but again some feelings aren’t rational, especially when they are roped into feelings of inadequacy over not being able to help a loved one. I feel helpless not being able to fix things. I can’t handle the pain of the people I love.
I am in the spiral. My insufficiency is overwhelming me right now. It is sort of debilitating. I actually hit the Ben and Jerry’s tonight.
Then my brother called. It is so nice to talk to someone who understands me so well. I guess my overachieving dreams aren’t just because of the pressures of being a woman. It might just be coming from the same woman, my momma. He and I were comparing our dreams and he so lovingly and hilariously put it in perspective. He said very seriously, “Don’t laugh. I am still upset I am never going to space.”
Now I am thinking if Patrick can live with the disappointment of never being an astronaut I can live with not ever studying marine life or microbiology (two of the possible degrees I have wanted.)
In an article in Ladies Home Journal this month the accomplished Sally Field said, “I’m looking at myself in the mirror and asking, ‘Who do I want to be when I grow up.’” Now if someone of her caliber, accomplished, beautiful and smart, isn’t resting on her laurels, then I think I have a responsibility to do what I can. Maybe we all do. I don’t know about space, but maybe I can fit those jumping jacks in during commercials. Who am I kidding, I don’t watch commercials.